How to piss off an Indian

While it's impossible to generalize a country as diverse and populous as India, certain things continue to piss us off time and again. Below are some of the most common statements you can use to annoy an Indian successfully:

You don't have the Indian accent. Just so you know, we in India have 122 'major' languages, and about 1599 other languages. No, we don't all speak the same regional or mother language and depending on what languages we learnt in school and the environment we grew up in, that will most likely make all the difference when you hear us. I hate to break it to you, but there is NO such thing as a universal Indian accent, no matter how much Russel Peters or the Simpsons have tried to convince you otherwise.

You speak such good English, you must be the only Indian I know who speaks good English. Well, how many Indians have you met in your entire lifetime? We're 1.25 Billion, you all. If you met like 5 Indians in your lifetime, you know less than 0.000001% of us. If you think logically how can your assumption be even close to accurate? Not to mention English is one of our official and educational languages, so it would be hard to get by if you grew up in India after the 1970's, are literate and claim zero knowledge of this language.

Why aren't you more tan/Why aren't you less tan? I never hear one white person saying to another, "Hey mate you're like a lovely medium shade of white", so you must have Hispanic origins. Since when have we become so enlightened to assign the color of one's skin to one's nationality, not to mention racist AF.

You look more Arab/Asian/Spanish/*insert random ethnicity* than you do Indian. I hate to have to state facts here, but we have more than 2000 ethnic groups in India, not to mention one of the most complex histories of empire and colonial conquest on the planet. Here's an interesting list if you're a history buff: List of Indian Monarchs/Dynasties .We share our border with 7 countries that are full of their own diverse beautiful beings. How on earth do you expect us to look all the same? And no, the Hollywood stereotype is not us. Indian men don't all look like 'Raj Koothrappali' (of Big Bang Theory fame) and Indian women don't all look like 'Priyanka Chopra'.

Note to Indians: We are often ourselves guilty of this statement. We fail to always embrace diversity which is what has led us to continue to be discriminatory towards our own fellow citizens. Common statements within Indians: North-Indians don't like South Indians. Biharis are all illiterate thieves. Minorities have taken all our jobs. Punjabis drink and abuse too much. People from the North East don't exist. Etc. We are more than the religion, caste, race, gender and social class we were born in. If we can't love our fellow citizens and stop discrimination, how can we we ever expect the world to accept our unique differences?

Can you tell me how to make curry? This might be me killing it for all South Asian supermarkets who suspiciously sell something as 'curry' commonly found in Western countries. It's  a sad mix of every spice imaginable and tastes like a random concoction that no proud Indian would have ever eaten. We have hundreds if not thousands of types of curries. For us, a curry means a dish which is essentially not a dry dish. It's a physical fact differentiating solid from liquid or semi liquid. It is not a recipe, and it is most certainly not a dish. So when you ask us if we can help you with some curry, you're gonna have to do better than that and tell us what kind of curry you'd like us to make or help you with. Hint: An idea on the vegetables or meat that you would like to have in your curry would be a good place to start.

It's safe for me to say that if you avoid the above mentioned statements when you first meet an Indian, you might actually have a chance to get to know about our crazy history and diversity a lot better. We're so much more than head nodding, heavily accented, medium to dark brown, curry eating people. So much more.

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